I miss intelligent conversation. I don't think I like twenty-somethings very much. Or under twenty-somethings. Actually scratch that--I'm just a hater.

What do I hate? My classmates presently. My lazy fucking classmates with all of the work ethic and sense of entitlement of the hare from the tortoise and the hare story. Group work is becoming unbearable. I'm surrounded by people too lazy to fulfill the basic tasks necessary to complete the assignments. Actually, they were to lazy to dissect the assignments so they named me the group leader and forced me to lead the flock. I'm no shepherd. I don't think I'm even good at leading a group, at least not this group, because I don't want to.

These people are personifying all of the colour of Crayola's Corporate office crayons--you know the ones that have 'carpet' as a name. The inoffensive grey, salmon-but-not-fishy pink, and lack-of-personality blue.

I want to rip my hair out; slap them every time they ask me a stupid question; get back on the drinking everyday wagon, and maybe trash my room out of frustration, just for good measure.

***

I was also the very last person to be informed that my Grandma was undergoing surgery. She called her great grandchildren's adopted mother to say goodbye 'in case she didn't make it' but no one felt the need to tell me. She had a growth on her throat and she could barely talk when she called them. They don't know if it's benign yet. The results are coming on the 30th.

I wonder if I am even considered a part of this family sometimes--actually all the time. Why am I not worth calling? I didn't even know this was bothering me this much until I started writing this. This frustration has been buried deep in my subconscious for most of my life because it undermines my self-worth so much. My biological family rarely remembers that I exist--except to chew me out for not calling them. I guess they don't need to call me, never mind that they actually have long distance plans and I am barely going to make the rent this month, never mind my phone bill (or groceries or Christmas). My mother didn't even tell me she was moving to Calgary. Neither did my sister. Now, my grandmother thinks she is going to die and calls to say her goodbyes, but doesn't include me.

My whole life has been like this recently. I'm trying so hard in everything. Most of the time I'd just like to hear that I've done a good job or that someone is proud of me, but I never seem to hear either. I'm buckling under the weight of school, volunteer work, and working. I'm always trying to do I'm also trying to sustain a decent level of cleanliness in my house and not get fat. Nothing I do is ever good enough though, and all I get for feedback is what I have done wrong. I'm not demanding recognition so much as wondering why I seem to be so unworthy of it.

I'm so depressed. I'm so tired of keeping my chin up. I'm surrounded by people that I am exhausting myself for and they don't care. I'm getting to the point that I'm just desperate for approval. I feel like a beaten head-shy dog that just doesn't understand what she's doing wrong and why people continue to kick her when she's trying so hard to make them happy. I feel like an insect buzzing around a bare light bulb, banging myself against its impermeable surface with the hopes of breaking through into the light.

Last night, I headed out of the city to watch the Leonid Meteor shower. We drove about a half an hour out of the city to a recreational facility that is a popular location for meteor watchers. There was a fire going and people singing along with a guitar. We had to move away from the fire because it disrupts the view of the sky. The meteor shower was forecast as a modest one at a rate of fifteen meteors per hour.

We lay on the grass in a pile of blankets and furry capes. We looked up at the sky. I thought that we should probably try to make a wish on the meteor debris00thye worst that will happen is it won't come true.

We saw about five really vibrant streaks across the sky. They caused an 'ahhhh' from the crowd. We wondered down to cooking lake for a better view but by that time most of the meteors had dissipated.

I got home about three in the morning revitalized from my trip out of the city and my chance to be with loving people and nature. The combination of friends and bellydance It was just what I needed to cope with the stress from school.

I'm running around campus shooting a documentary today. It's really challenging. My group dynamics could be better, and no one wants to talk to us about what is going on around here. The focus of the documentary is a look at the security on campus.

I went to the Matt Good(and his band) concert with my new work-friend Renee and her boyfriend. Mother mother opened for the MG band. I was in the drinking section during their set so I wasn't really listening to the music.

I moved closer for Matt Good, and I'm sad to report that I didn't bring my camera. Good has better vocals than looks though, so it's not a huge loss. Not that he's ugly, just that his vocals are beautiful. It was a very low-key show he would stop frequently to drink beer and chat at the crowd. He was doing a polka when someone was kicked out and he stopped to make fun of them.

The sound at the Shaw conference centre was pretty amazing--I think they've upgraded since I was there last. Or do musicians bring all of their own equipment? Either way, it was fantastic and Matt Good was great.

Let me know what you think about my new article!

Ridin' Derby

Slut Shaming?

The above article details the expulsion of three young ladies from extra-curricular activities after pictures that they had posted to their myspace page were brought to the attention of the school principal. The pictures featured the girls scantily clad with dollar bills tucked in their clothes and some pictures of them licking a penis shaped lollipop.

They were allowed a reduced punishment for attending counseling sessions and apologising to the school's Athletic board.

I don't think that the young girls acted in a way that way appropriate or beneficial to their futures, but at the same time they are not property of the school board and I do not believe that they should be able to punish the girls for the inappropriate pictures. The girls have a right to express themselves, and though their actions may be cause for concern it is the parent's responsibility to speak with their children. The school should not be the institution handing out punishments.

What do you think? Was the Principal being a huge douche an violating the girls right to privacy?

Where are the parents?

There's a great article in Bitch Magazine written by Jessica Hester about "feeding porn", porn which features obese scantily clad women slurpring down sandwiches and chowing down on chips, and the complicated role that food plays in a woman's life. "Few things provoke fascination like obese bodies." Hester says and given some members of my families preoccupation of emailing each other unsavory pictures of obese women in strange positions or awkward situations, I would have to agree. 

She states rather bluntly that: "To publicly eat when you’re already fat might be one of the most transgressive behaviors available to the modern woman", and that as far back as the Victorian era what a girl ate was related back to her character. 

While I've never understood the glee that some people get in the societal-freak-factor of obesity (meaning our societies freakish obsession, not the freak-factor of the obese person). I sadly understand the link between sex and overeating. Food, and overeating, have become fetishized in our society. Commercials feature women with thick, rich velvety voices describing the luscious, low-fatness of the new addition to Ben & Jerry's family. Ads prompt women to 'go ahead--eat!' But only a little! Therefore we have, as a society, attributed a cheerful, glib pleasure to overeating. It is the opposite of anorexia. It is the chance to indulge in something fully, to a point that it becomes sexual--the height of pleasure indulgences. Better still, you don't even need a man, and this might be an encouraging thing were it not for the reliance on the 'feeder' the person, usually a man, that the indulging woman is looking to either for encouragement or to manually place the food in her maw. 

So what do you think about women and food? Body image vs fetish? Food and people? Onion bagels?

I'm writing my blog because I don't want to write my story. Ugh I'm already so tired of this NaNoWriMo. There is a real concern that my main character may kill me by boring me to death.

Pop Culture is shaping up to be my favorite class so far. My instructor has to be my (second) favorite in the history of post-secondary education. My bonding with male instructors kind of leaves me with a creepy feeling though. Maybe I'm trying to fill the gap of father figure? Eek I loathe even thinking about daddy issues. Why did I bring it up? It's better than writing my novel apparently.

Sheesh, sorry about that readers, moving on:

So anyway, we were talking about comic books in class and it was lots of fun. It's a subject that I have absorbed a bit of knowledge, mostly through a comic-junkie friend, but learning more has proved to be fascinating. Today we discussed the "comic code authority" a form of censorship put in place thanks to Fredrick Wertham.

I really have ti get back to writing though. I've been hesitant to blog lately because I feel like I'm talking to no one.

I think the swine have gotten to me.I'm stuck in bed with my nasty cough-flu and apparently it's not a good idea for me to go anywhere or do anything. Not that I want to. I'm committed, at least for today, to being a whiny coughing pile of blankets. These blankets may put  in their 1300 word quota for NaNoWriMo but there isn't going to be any promises.

So I'll be at home all day; you know, it case you want to send some tea and sympathy. Or emails and sympathy. Flowers, e-cards. Whatever.

Somehow through workshopping ideas for Magazine Writing I came up with the idea that I am going to write an article on amateur strip night. Tomorrow night, I'm headed to a strip club to see what I can see.

I'm sort of uncomfortable though. I've never liked strip clubs, but this is an interesting idea.

I don't know exactly what the article is going to be on yet. I'm hoping a little research will help me solidify my options. I'm also going to go to Buddy's, a local gay bar, and check out the amateur nights (Monday ladies Saturday men) there. It may be a little strange but I really prefer strip nights at the gay bar...it somehow seems less sleazy to me.

Just so you know folks, I have no plans to perform myself. I imagine these girls will be way better looking than me anyway.

I've just come home from a wonderful adventure. I went on a haunted walking tour of Old Strathcona. I love my neighborhood and it's always wonderful to hear stories about it. Some of the stories, like the ghost at the Walterdale and the ghost of the Princess Theater, I already knew about, but some were new. There was a particularly chilling story about the Strat related to us that I'd like to retell you, gentle reader, but be warned--it is a little spooky

Here goes:

A man staying at the Strathcona had hired a hooker and after their 'business transaction' he refused to pay her. A major argument ensued and the woman grew louder and louder. In the heat of the argument the man become so angry, so enraged that he actually strangled her. Confused, and shocked the man didn't know what to do and so he sat up in the room with her for three days with her decaying corpse.

Finally after three days with very little food or water he came to a conclusion for his smelly problem. He chopped the dead woman up into tiny pieces and put her in several suitecases. He dumped the suitecases in to the North Saskatchewan river. The suitecases were enevitably found and the man was put n jail. Yet the woman remains behind in room 16 to haunt the hotel guests. It is possible that she is still searching for the one suitecase that they were never able to find. The one that contained her head.

Such is the stuff that legends are made of.

I was bored and found this survey on another LJ page. The results may surprise you.

Bold statements that are true. Italicized are partly true. Give yourself 1 point for each bolded statement and half a point for each italicized one.

Appearance
I hate the way I look.
I cannot look in the mirror without thinking that I am ugly.
I think I am the ugliest of all my friends.
I don't think the opposite sex will ever be attracted to me.
If I had the money, I would get plastic surgery.
I would change at least 5 things about myself.
My friends/partner/family constantly tell me I'm beautiful, but I don't believe them.
I will not leave the house without make-up on.
Total: 3

Weight
I hate my body.
I wish I was thinner.
I'd rather be stick thin than a little chubby.
I am jealous of all the models I see in magazines.
I either have or do make myself throw up regularly.
I starve myself on a regular basis.
I track how many calories I eat, and get mad at myself when I go over the limit.
I have an eating disorder or am developing one.
Total: 3.5

Abilities
I am not good at anything.
I have no special talents or skills.
I don't apply for jobs because I know I will never get hired.
I suck(ed) at school and don't (didn't) bother trying.
I think I'm stupid.
My friends are all good at something, but I'm not.
I'd rather die than perform anything in front of a crowd.
I can't name anything good about myself.
I don't believe in myself.
Total: 1

Feelings
I am currently depressed.
I feel lonely and/or sad all the time.
I feel like nobody cares or understands me.
My crush doesn't even notice me.
I don't know why I am living.
I think about suicide seriously.
I get embarrassed easily.
I haven't been happy in long time.
Total: 1

Habits
I often lie in bed for hours, not being able to sleep.
I worry about things constantly.
I drink/do drugs to make myself feel better about my life.
I often hurt myself purposely.
I cry 4 or more times a week.
I can relate to every sad song out there.
I always have to do something to get my mind off things.
Total: 2

Total: 10.5

OVERALL TOTAL:
0 - 10: Your self esteem is great!
11 - 20: Your self esteem is okay.
21 - 30: Your self esteem could use some work.
31 - 40: Your self esteem is really low. Seek help from family/friends if you feel down all the time.

So there you have it. I could make myself throw up when I eat and still have a great self-esteem.

During an interview a lady asked me, "What's your dream job?"

Now I don't know if I have a dream job. I mean, my dream is to sit at home writing, Does that count?

Winter is settling in and I'm beginning to feel very anxious. I want warm weather and vitamin D. The autumn equinox is coming up soon too and its said that the veil between the world of the living and the dead is becoming thinner. It reaches maximum transparency on October 31st.

It's always around this time of year that I start to feel listless and unsatisfied. I'm missing a few of the people that I found helped to ground me this year. It feels like a season of loss, and I can't determine if that is just because of the time of year or what. 

I've decided to make an appointment with a doctor, ugh, for a physical because I've neglected that part of my life for awhile.

I want stability and certainty. I don't want to feel like I am floating around anymore.

I've had a really bad day. It started off...ok. My grandma canceled lunch with me but that wasn't a big deal the person driving her was sick and I'd rather not be ill for school.

After that, well it turns out I had to work today at the Hotel and it wasn't on my home copy of the schedule. Damn. To add insult o injury a woman called me for three hours looking for her husband. He wasn't there but I'm not allowed to tell her that. She kept getting upset and she started crying. All I could say was I will take a message. She called me a horrible person, a machine, etc. I had to talk to her on and off for three hours!

blah.

This semester seems to have me reading a lot of magazines, watching a lot of documentaries, and watching some movies. Haven't been going out very much I got most of the urge to party out during the summer.

As I was saying, people always say that I speak my mind. I don't really agree. If anything I would say that I tend to be passive-aggressive perhaps with a side of bitchy. I feel like I don't speak up about a lot of things that bother me, so it is really strange to be admired for speaking my mind.

I've been trying desperately to get a hold of the editor from a certain magazine (rhymes with farler) because she has my clippings (yes, my originals. Yes I know you should never give those out) but I suspect she lost them because I have tried to contact her through every means available--facebook, email, text message, and good ol' fashioned phone calls--and I haven't got a response. I've been trying for two months now. Even if she did lose them she could have the courage to tell me. I'm really annoyed at this point.

I did get some good advice as a result of this mishap. Always ask for a PDF copy of anything that you are getting published because the clippings inevitably fade anyway.

So um, I hope Papercuts has a PDF copy I can get my twitchy little hands on. 

I guess Ms. Editor isn't going to be giving me any assignments either. Thanks Lady. 

In other news: I start volunteering at Sorrentino's Compassion House tomorrow, I'm submiting a story to Other Voices, I'm hoping to write an article for Bitch Magazine, and I got a beautiful new bedspread. 

Also, I'm hoping to volunteer for an SA project a nude 2010 magazine. Hehehe I've always wanted to be an artist's model....this is close. Don't worry loyal readers I'll send copies. I'm actually really excited for the project it's seems to be so rare that nudity is considered artistic anymore. Though I wouldn't say no to a little bit of airbrushing.

Why am I telling you this? I don't know, but I think my censorship bar fell off.

Autumn is performing better than any Edmontonian could hope for. The trees are turning colors and until recently my furnace had not even turned on. Most days do not even approach sweater weather However, a faint arctic chill is still in the air and make no mistake winter is around the corner.

I'm impatient these days. Impatient and bewildered. I keep hearing things about how i am the sort of person who says what she thinks.

TBC

So I didn't get accepted for the features position at Intercamp....

Yuck, rejection.

I'm not dealing with it very well. It was a blow to my delicate writer's ego.

Loving thoughts/ encouragement? 

I just blew up a pyrex dish and ruined supper. I had this brilliant idea that Adrian and I were going to have this romantic cooking evening--we were making vegetarian lasagna. I even bought red wine to sip out of my beautiful Riedel glasses. When I got home from belly dancing glass, I realised that I don't have a big pot to boil the noodles in. I used the Pryrex dish instead. It worked even though turned the heat on high and cracked the glass. The problem came when I decided to wipe down the bottom of the glass after I drained the noodles. This drasticaly reduced the tempertaure and the glass started to moan. "Oh no" is all I said, stepping back slightly to avoid being skewered. I didn't know how to tell Adrian so I just stood there while it exploded. He swore and shifted closer to the wall where he's been standing. I thought for sure that we was going to have a heart attack.

So I did the only thing that a reasonable adult can do --I ran away crying. Adrian was a saint. After I pulled myself together we re-grouped and swept the floor. Then we ordered pizza. It was tasty.

On the plus side I found a Ceasar dressing that doesn't have anchovies in it. And I still have my wine.

I'm listening to Dan Savage's podcast and thinking about sexuality. Porn is the topic of the day. In an interesting role reversal a woman called into his podcast looking for advice about her porn stash. Her partner had found it and flipped out. Dan is saying that the guy is an "insecure bag of slop" and she should either tell him that she isn't throwing it out or she should hide it somewhere better.

I don't really think that kind of dishonesty is helpful. I think that people should always keep an open mind about their partners sexual interests. Personally I don't like porn, and I don't watch it. I have watched it; however, I find it degrading, and it just doesn't do anything for me (maybe in part because I find it degrading). Usually it's boring and poorly written. It's purely visual where I value intellectual, emotional and physical.

Despite my own distaste for it I have learned to accept that it is very likely that any partner I am with is going to watch porn, and I don't get upset about it anymore. I used to, and guess it was because I was a "insecure bag of slop" but I don't think that, in the case of this lady and her porn stash; pointing that out is going to help his insecurities.

But smut aside, I'm getting ready for the new school year (I have all of my binders and pencils ready!). It will be nice to have some intellectual stimulation. Work does not provide that for me.

I'm all moved in to my new house, I've become vegetarian, and I just joined a curves gym. I have almost finished setting up my room. I also have a meeting at Sorrentino's compassion house where I am finally ready to begin volunteering.